Satirical Twitter Accounts Taking the Mick Out of Creepertarians

A satirical Twitter account calling itself “Not Porcfest” has appeared in the wake of Free Keene’s kiddie porn implosion and it’s dropping the kind of brutal one-liners that almost compels one to mail Bernard a care package with some Preparation H and a burn kit. Here are a few favorites so far with a self-evident warning that these are extremely NSFW.

A second account calling itself “Ian Freeman Googling” is parody account posing as an aggregator of Ian Bernard’s recent Google searches. As stated above, these tweets are extremely NSFW. But oh so hilarious!

citizenkaneclaptroll

Season’s Greetings and Some Clarification

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, a Krazy Kwanzaa, and a good Festivus for the rest of us! SFK will be taking a break for the holiday season and will return to regular posting in the new year. We hope you enjoy your holiday of choice as much as we enjoy making fun of Chris Cantwell’s receding hairline!

In the meantime, we’ve prepared a small mission statement by way of rebuttal for our detractors to remind them of what SFK is and is not. It will be posted in the About section for later reference. Keep in mind, this is written for people who can’t chew gum and blog at the same time. Excuse the snarky tone if you can actually count to twenty without removing your shoes.

You don’t have any real desire for conversation.
Been there, done that, and we have the overly long block list on Facebook to show for it. We learned quickly that you pricks don’t converse or honorably debate. FK distorts, denies, or blatantly lies about what it has done and what it really wants. When that fails it sends out the keyboard warriors to metaphorically shit on the carpet and declare victory for Libertopia.

We aren’t interested in “conversing” with you morons anymore more than we’re interested in conversing with a naked vagrant furiously waving his member at a fire hydrant. Both of you are about as effective and comprehensible with their intended goals. Both of you are an embarrassment at best and a danger to others at worst.

We’re not arguing the validity of libertarianism versus whatever bogeyman wants to steal your weed and prevent access to dark web child pornography. We just want FK to stop being assholes. Don’t be an asshole.

You don’t have any real ideas.
What’s that phrase that you like to use? “Good ideas don’t require force?”. Then why are all of FK’s ideas seemingly handed to the people of Keene with a tacit “or else”?

Adhere to my asshat definition of freedom or else I’ll stick a camera in your face and set my unhinged fanboys on you.

Let me do as I please or else I’ll post your name and address on my blog so the crackpots who hang on my every word can harass you and your family.

Let me utilize the benefits of society without having to pay for them or else I’ll bog down the local courts with horse shit litigation.

Let me open an equally horse shit church or else I’ll waste the city’s time and assets arguing that my obvious shell game is a real house of worship.

Here is an idea for those who insist on a thesis for SFK: Don’t be an asshole.

You’re nothing but a hate group and attack site.
Please. Enough of this bullshit. You don’t want dialogue. You want to make some tone arguments and transparently attempt to re-frame our criticisms as politically-motivated because that would legitimizes you

Protip: your politics and ideas are a joke and constitute the fringe of an already fringe ideology. Your threat to the status quo is about as impressive as a fart in a wind tunnel. SFK isn’t here to debate politics. We hate assholes and attack their behavior.

Don’t want to be a target? Don’t be an asshole.

Blah, blah, statist, blah, blah, blah, tax cattle, blah, blah
We don’t care about Free Keene’s religious belief in free markets or digital currency (as funny as they are). Using political slurs and snarl-words against us makes as much sense as calling the Unitarian Universalist Church a conservative evangelical organization.

FK is a personality cult on par with the Westboro Baptist Church. People don’t hate the WBC for being Christian or because they are atheist, Buddhist, Neopagan, etc. They hate them for being harmful, bigoted shitheads.

They reduce the quality of life for any who have been forced to deal with them. They do their part to drop humanity’s collective IQ to slightly above “potato with googly eyes”. They attempt to hurt and harass critics by publishing their personal information, defamatory screeds full of skewed half-truths or outright fabrications about them, and celebrating their tragedies as a victory for the cause.

Don’t want to be likened too such assholes? Don’t be an asshole.

Breaking it down: We don’t like assholes. Free Keene is full of assholes. We mock and expose these assholes and their antics because exposure and mockery is the most potent weapon against narcissists and man-children with delusional power fantasies.

Don’t like it? Don’t be an asshole.

Sentient Cockroach Fronts Local Domestic Terror Group

In a baffling example of the bizarre, liberty-loving folks have taken to aligning themselves with the world’s only sapient Periplaneta americana. Housing itself in the city of Keene, the over-sized vermin calls itself Ian Freeman and runs a radio show out of it’s nest on 73 Leverett St. On the show Freeman extols the virtues of moving to NH and getting arrested for petty misdemeanors so he can film it from the sidelines and pelt police officers with accusations of fascism like the brave roach-man he is.

roachman
Freeman after someone turns on a kitchen light. 

Freeman lately took umbrage with SFK lauding the genocide of his people by invoking the terror of exterminators and insecticide gasses. He has labeled SFK a “hate group”. According to polled SFK members, nobody cares because roaches are a disgusting pest. Darth Statist, SFK’s Illuminati liaison and Sith Lord, had a dissenting opinion: “Roaches are gross but have you ever seen Chris Cantwell? Dude looks someone decided to dress a brockwurst up like an alcoholic cab driver.”

Edit: The above post is in dispute. While resembling common household vermin in appearance and behavior, SFK has been informed that Ian Bernard aka Ian Freeman is actually a petty and narcissistic man-child with delusions of grandeur. SFK would like to apologize to insects (humanoid or otherwise) for any harm this mistake may have caused.

Chris Cantwell Loses It

Free Keene’s favorite Wyatt Earp wannabe, Chris Cantwell, decided to take a stroll down to the home of a SFK member (affectionately known as “Boston Strong” by FK members) and have a tantrum in his driveway. When Cantwell’s BS and doublespeak had no effect his rhetoric dissolves into homophobic insults (“shit-talking Boston faggot”) and he threatens “to leave the gun at home next time” implying that he will initiate violence against the filming Boston. The police show up shortly after and Mr. “Cop Killers are Cool” is heard meekly telling his side of the story to one of the three officers who arrived.

This video contains NSFW language. A lot of it.

Funny how the “non-aggression principle” flies out the window when bravado and the tacit threat of an openly-carried firearm doesn’t get them their way, huh? What is also funny is how none of his FK buddies came down to help him or support him. Neighbors who witnessed the exchange stated that Chris claimed he didn’t agree with FK or it’s goals and was personally responsible for the expulsion of Garret Ean. Is Chris proving to be more a divisive force than the boon that his friends in FK eagerly anticipated?

cantwellkeepitreal

We figure you got more “realness” than you anticipated, Chris.

Irony: Ian Distances FK From Controversial Libertarian Podcaster Over “Cult of Personality”

Ian Bernard announced today that he has removed Stefan Molyneux’s Free Domain Radio as a Liberty Radio Network affiliate citing Molyneux’s “truth about” videos (I don’t believe anyone claiming to know the truth.), misogynistic statements, the use of IP law to suppress dissent (while he allegedly opposes IP – Intellectual Property), and the various outlined cult red-flags”. Molyneux is a notorious figure in Libertopia for not only his gargantuan ego but also his vitriolic comments about women and half-cocked analysis of economics and current events. Being an arrogant blowhard is par for the course on the idiot fringe of politics but Molyneux has managed to develop a therapy cult centered on the idea of people ditching their families in favor of a virtuous life of intellectual superiority and giving him all your money.

Anyone else find Ian’s decision a bit ironic and a tad hypocritical? Let’s examine more of his commentary.

A few years ago, Molyneux was criticized (in The Guardian and elsewhere) for being a cult leader. Several aspects of Molyneux ring several cult red-flags, like jargon, a charismatic guru, encouraging followers to completely disassociate with family and friends who don’t agree (the jargon for this is “de-fooing”), and also the suppression of dissent within and without the group.

Former fans of Molyneux have said they’ve been ostracized and banned for dissenting on Molyneux’s forums and former “inner circle” (another cult red-flag) members have spoken out.

I think that he’s developed a cult of personality by surrounding himself with people who some critics describe as “Stefbots” and has no one around to check his ego.

Let’s discuss jargon and charismatic figureheads. AKPF, “Statists”, “Men With Badges”, “Men in Robes”, “Men With Guns”, “Government People”, “Aggressors”, “Locked in a Cage”, “Haters”, “Hired Killers”, and the hijacking of the terms “liberty” and “freedom” to serve some solipsisism and unwarranted self-importance. All that’s missing is “Men Without Hats“, “Men at Work“, and “Men in Black”. Ian’s pose of  principled disapproval about jargon and manipulative figureheads fall a bit flat from a guy who orchestrates a libertarian media empire that traffics in sloganeering and buzzwords.

As for the suppression of dissent, that can be easily demonstrated by popping into the Free Keene Facebook page or website and dropping a comment about how much you disagree with his cash cow or tactics. You could also ask the people who were kicked out or shunned for not following Bernardian doctrine to the letter or having the audacity to suggest that it might be wrong.

It’s routinely made a joke by FK but it’s evident to anyone with two brain cells that Bernard wields power in the liberty politics community in Keene and NH. The Free State Project board is alternately buying his services and completely terrified of him as demonstrated by their refusal to censure his actions. He makes people sign contracts and pay fees to enter his home which also the base of operations for Free Talk Live and numerous other NH-centered liberty projects. Interacting with him is an exercise in verbal gymnastics and selective hearing of criticism. Ian will accept no responsibilities for the actions done in the name of his organization nor will he ever admit that the result of these actions can be extremely negative and harmful.

In short: What the hell makes him any better than a arrogant clod like Stefan Molyneux?

A Response to Will May’s LTE

Will May (aka Skeptikos formerly of Free Keene) sent a letter to the editor of the Sentinel weighing in on the ongoing abuse against the city by Free Keene. Will bases his opinion on “insider information” gleaned from a public forum and a site he hasn’t blogged for in over two years. His words will be italicized with my responses following.

I am grateful to Ed Lake (Aug. 4) for bringing the Free Keene vs. Stop Free Keene debate out of the Facebook forums and into the public, where it belongs.

There is no “debate” and the forums are open to the public. Anyone can read them and you’re only required to join if you want to comment. Will seems to believe the public is unaware of us despite the nearly 1300+ users on the forum and appearances on local radio and media.

That said, I’m baffled by Ed’s letter. First, he calls Free Keene members “hostile, entitled, lazy, tax dodging, and anti-community” and “invading terrorists.”

I don’t see any untruths in that assessment. You can watch Garret’s rant to see how hostile FK is to opposition or agents of whatever facet of “tyranny” they’re against this week. You can see how arrogantly they believe they’re above the law because they say so. The Shire “Fraud” Church debacle was nothing but a tax-dodge scam and Ian readily admits he hasn’t paid federal taxes in over a decade.

Do I need to really explain the anti-community and invading terrorists part? Or should I recite the laundry list of acts that birthed Stop Free Keene?

Then he assures us that he is not hateful. Uh-huh.

Hateful is suggesting we round up a mob with torches and pitchforks and lynch anyone interested in voluntarism. A visual that I’m sure makes Ian, Derrick, and the others who make money off of histrionics and carnage just salivate buckets.

How you can suggest Ed Lake was saying that with a more verbose “you’re a bunch of jerks” requires a contortion act of logic I’m not capable of. I find this habit of twisting or exaggerating the words of others to be common among FK/FSP types.

As a former member of both Free Keene and Stop Free Keene, I know both groups from the inside.

This is just laughable. You haven’t blogged for FK in over two years and all the comments and conversations on the SFK forum are open to the public. You know nothing, Will May.

To my dismay, I spent most of my time in Stop Free Keene debunking embarrassing conspiracy theories about the Koch brothers and about talk show hosts who secretly want to kill people.

There are links between FK/FSP members and the Koch brothers. The network of Koch influence in liberty politics has been heavily documented by the mainstream media. There is nothing conspiratorial about speculating about how deep the connections are and your reticence to discuss them or even acknowledge them was ridiculous in light of the mountain of evidence.

Mark Edge is a convicted murderer and people tend to hold murderers suspect. Deal with it.

I was kicked out of the group for defending local libertarian Varrin Swearingen, whose character is unimpeachable, against the accusation of being “dishonest” and “two-faced.”

You were kicked out for jumping on the “SFK is a hategroup” bandwagon because some of us disagree with the FSP and it’s goals. You can’t play it both ways, Will. Don’t take a dump on my carpet and then call me an extremist when I tell you to get out.

I want Stop Free Keene to be successful. But right now it is fighting stupidity with stupidity.

No, you just wanted SFK to stop tying the giant liability that is the cult of Ian Bernard to the FSP. That isn’t going to happen so long as the FSP board turns a blind eye to FK’s BS and buys ad space on Free Talk Live.

My advice to people who want to stop Free Keene: Stay away from the Facebook drama, talk to the city councilors and other local officials who have been dealing with this for years, and get to know the Free Keene activists yourself, on a personal basis.

What drama do you speak of? The conversations among residents about the damage that FK is doing to our city and it’s reputation? Or perhaps the notifications of council meetings and other civic events? Was it that controversial post about the Surry Village yard sale?

We’ve been telling people to let the city know how much of a pain in the ass FK is since day one. In fact, we’ve also been saying the largest roadblock to stopping FK’s nonsense has been the reluctance to speak up and the fear of retaliation that it stems from.

You’re not offering any new or insightful options, Will. Suggesting the average citizen open a dialogue with Free Keene “activists” is just as laughable as suggesting a Marxist should call into Free Talk Live. FK activists can’t be bothered to stop chalking in front of a business when asked politely by its owner. What the hell makes you think they’ll give anyone else the time of day?

If Mr. Lake really is serious about not being a hater, then he will reject the more extreme members of his group and take a more humble approach to the problem.

Tl;Dr Stop talking about the FSP and I won’t call you a big stupid meany. Also, I know more than you because I read a public forum and wrote blogs for a group I haven’t associated with for two years. Signed, Will “98 Miles Away” May in Albany, NY.

Hatemail Bag #1: Love Letters from Losers

SFK has a standing policy of not allowing comments that are abusive or blatant trolling. This often leaves our feedback section sparsely populated since the majority of our daily comments are from the sad lost souls Ian Bernard attracts with honeyed words about weed, topless women in the streets, and more insidious things. Free Keene attracts a particular vicious brand of keyboard warrior that is equal parts computer savvy and dumb as a toaster. Here is a sampling of the missives we’ve received since the inception of the site.

stopthem2This isn’t a “challenge”. It’s request to allow ourselves to be verbally abused and straw-manned by an egomaniac and his friends. I’ve listened to more FTL than I’m willing to admit and the show is anything but accommodating to differing points of view. Also, please don’t conflate loudness with intelligence. The ability to shrilly denounce petty inconveniences on 150 radio stations isn’t equitable to genius.

stopthemHow about you stop wasting my time with this D-level attempt at trolling, you clod? It will never see the light of day outside of being fodder for public ridicule and further evidence that stupidity is part and parcel to FK fandom.

stopthem3Remember what I said about FK’s misogynistic vendetta against Dorrie O’Meara?

stopthem4“I’ve notice these Free Keeners frequently get their facts wrong.”

Fixed that for you. I’ve noticed that FK fanboys frequently make statements alluding to facts that contradict criticism but never actually present them. I’ve also noticed that you’re an idiot who can’t make more than two semi-coherent comments without reverting back to bargain bin trolling.

I had more comments in line for this post but WordPress evidently only holds spam in queue for a couple of weeks before tanking it. In any case, please make more dumb comments FK fans and fellow travelers. Demonstrating how much of disease-ridden boil FK is on this city is all the more easier when I can also demonstrate the kind of maggots it attracts.