Free Keene Fruitcake II: Lawsuit Bugaloo!

jplosesit jplosesit2 jpbutthurt jptrike

Protips for our favorite bald munchkin:

Being a SUPAH-SMAHT legal beagle should lead you to thinking twice about hurling accusations of criminal acts in a public forum. Especially when the evidence for said acts come from the same place your head currently resides.

Speaking of lawsuits: enough with the bravado about filing federal cases. You don’t scare us and neither does your hilariously ironic threat to use the state against us. Please, call in your buddies in the CIA or whatever branch of the federal government you’re claiming to work with/for this week. We’d love to have a chat with them about Ian Bernard and his friends.

No one forged your certificate, punchy. One of your ex’s sent it to us after she got tired of watching your deadbeat ass constantly lie about who you are and what you do. The only bully and “google nut” here is the bald douche bag with multiple identities and a phony accent to accompany the multiple fraud charges under his belt.

This is the kind of trash FK and friends bring to Keene: dishonest, arrogant, and destructive. Phillips is just one person in a long line of guttersnipes who’ve done little but make life miserable for the people of Keene under the auspices of “liberty” and protecting us from the bogeyman only a dipshit with a hyperactive imagination and a Youtube account would find frightening. Someone should send Ian Bernard a trophy or some sort of award congratulating him for breaking the world record for “Most Emotionally, Intellectually, and/or Physically Impotent Members in a Political Movement”.

Matt Phillips Can’t Wait to Sue Us

jplolsuitpt2 ohhemad

This is the 9001 time Free Keene’s Huffy vigilante, libertarian anti-capitalist, and father of the year nominee has threatened to sick the big evil STATE on us. We’re not worried.  Matt’s grasp on legality is as tenuous as his grasp on reality. Both are amusing to watch as they unravel beneath the volumes of bull- and bat-shittery that tumbles from his mouth or keyboard daily. Anticipate Matt threatening to sue Batman for not being real, Santa for failing to deliver a Nintendo 64, and Keene Police for staging war games in Ashuelot Park and not inviting him as a guest lecturer and teacher for the highly advanced Navy SEAL combat techniques that they named after him.

You know you’re a real asshole when people tell you as much and your reaction is to double-down on being a lying shitheel. No wonder Ian Bernard likes having him around.

Cop Block Scumbag Matt Phillips Blames SFK For His Terrible Parenting

Cop Block’s favorite parking lot commando pedaled his Huffy over to the 8th Circuit Court on the 25th to contest custody of his children with a former partner. SFK makes it a point to appear at all FK-related court hearings and had a few members show up to sit in and take note of any information relevant to our activities. Matt was not happy about this and judging from today’s Keene Cop Block missive he blames SFK for his lackluster court performance:

jploonytoonSome Protips, Matt:

1. If you’re going to pose as your live-in girlfriend then try harder to hide the misspellings, grammtical errors, and incorrect use of capitalization that are the trademarks of a JP Centurion shit-post. Especially when you have “her” refer to herself in the third-person while doing all the above, dumbass. This kind of blatant falsehood would be insulting to my intelligence if I didn’t find it so useful an example of the kind of dishonest sacks of shit Ian Bernard rolls with.

2. Your involvement with FK and it’s activities is nothing to brag about and should give the judge reason to bar you from even coming within 500 feet of a child. But that’s none of my business.

3. SFK appears at all FK-related legal proceedings when possible to take notes and make our presence felt. The nature of your case is irrelevant outside of being wholly telling of how much of an unethical dickhead you are.

4. I recommend editing that bit about your exes lawyer working in cahoots with us. I don’t imagine the checks the The Big Bad State cuts you every month can pay for the legal damages rendered by a libel suit. Moron.

A video of Matt’s interaction with various SFK members from the day of his court appearance will be posted in the next few days. In the meantime, here is a picture of J-to the-P of Cop Block doing what he does best: running to the boys in blue when things don’t go his way. Matt actually called the cops and claimed SFK was “harassing him” despite his definition of such an act labeling everything he and Ian Bernard’s shitshow of a group do as the same.


Free Stooges Crash KSC Commencement; Matt “GI Schmoe” Philips Gets His Ass Kicked

In a move that surprised few, Ian Bernard and the gang made an appearance at Keene State College’s class of 2015 commencement event to “protest” Governess Maggie Hassan. The response from attendees was less than welcoming with the young accompanying the Governess stating “I’ve waited for this day for four years and you’re ruining it”. The mouth breathing shut-ins and assorted other ineffectual dorks that form FK’s fan base are present in the comments to lend their slacktivist support for what is equal to crashing a 6 year old’s birthday party because their parent’s cut you off in traffic. Feel free to leave your own comment asking why they lend their support to “peaceful” people like Dick Paul.

11164224_10206869450159307_7603097193370248193_nSpeaking of dicks, loudmouth Matt Philips finally ran his gob to wrong person and got an ass-kicking for his efforts. According to the Sentinel and our moles, Matt was found tangling with a young male on Water St. as the man’s female companion looked-on. Matt allegedly refused to stop filming the man as he was attempting to care for his intoxicated girlfriend. This resulted in the woman smacking the camera from Matt’s hands and destroying it. Words were exchanged and it came to blows most of which apparently landed on the 40-year-old Philips as he was reportedly taken to the hospital with injuries.

Stop Free Keene doesn’t endorse violence even if it is against pieces of garbage like Matt Philips. However, anyone who claims they didn’t see this coming is full of it. Philips is a chronic instigator in love with the sound of his ridiculous fake accent and over-inflated sense of self that practically begs for someone plant one right in his snout. Matt got what he asked for and I don’t feel the least bit sorry for him. I want to believe this will be a harsh lesson about treating others with dignity and respect but this is Matt Philips. I’d wager on peace in the Middle East, a liberated North Korea, and Firefly being optioned for a second season before I’d bet on anyone associated with FK suddenly realizing they should stop acting like the world’s biggest asshole.

Matt “I’m A Big Fat Phony” Philips Still Rattling His Nerf Saber


Several months ago, SFK exposed Matthew Philips for fraudulently claiming to have served as a Navy Seal. He doggedly pursued SFK member Josh Erickson throughout Boston Strong’s farcical “restraining order” hearing about his falsehoods and whether Erickson could prove it. Ever since SFK proved to be more than capable of demonstrating Matt’s liberal interpretations of truth, he has done nothing but whine and harangue people with his usual armchair lawyer stupidity and make dubious claims of speaking to state officials about SFK. Most of this malarkey is centered around SFK publishing the birth certificate sent to us by a victim of Matt’s dishonesty.


JP Freeman Esq didn’t do his homework before concocting such dribble. Section 5-C: 14 of the State of NH Vital Records Administration makes it clear that Matthew Philips is a moron who should go polish his bald spot and leave the practice of law to grown ups who aren’t shite wannabe rappers that play-act GI Joe. Philips is a coward who uses juvenile threats of lawsuits, ham-fisted attempts at deception, and barking mad spectacles of rage to coerce people into ignoring the glaring inconsistencies and outright lies he tells about himself. A better example of the kind of human wreckage that Ian Bernard and FK attracts does not exist.

SFK Fan Mail v. II – Arm Chair Lawyer Edition


Hi! I’m Ian Statesman, the new head blogger here at SFK! I’m just as much a self-important windbag as that other Ian except that I tell the truth and don’t intentionally attempt to hurt my fellow citizens and neighbors with lies and innuendo when they disagree with me! I also prefer women who are my age and don’t believe that I can turn my compound/crack den/home into a church to be a bigger drain on society! I hope you enjoy my writing and my abuse of exclamation points!!!

I’d figure I’d begin my tenure responding to some viewer e-mails. Unlike our chum(p)s over at Free Keene, SFK isn’t interested in controversy or arguing with simpletons over the minutiae of some loopy political platform that makes as much sense as Kenny G joining Slayer. We have a stringent commentary policy that we’ve tried to make as simple as possible to understand. If you want to argue, call names, or make some dopey comment about how much smarter you are for being part of a cult then you can go do it at the umpteen thousand forums that welcome crackpots and cranks with open arms. Some people, however, cannot grasp this basic concept of “GO AWAY” and attempt to comment anyways.

Here is the latest crop of anonymous morons who couldn’t take a hint if someone slapped them with it. Some of these are edited for length because FK dorks are nothing if not long-winded and didactic (Hi Garret!). Text from the comments will be in italics with responses in to follow. For the sake of transparency, screen shots will also be available to those who ask for them.

From: Q / IP
In Response to ‘FK Coat-Tail Rider Welcomes Sex Offender into the Cop Block Fold”

And 80% of your great great great great great great grandmothers were 15 year old females. You wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for 15 year olds, old enough to be tried as an adult for murder, getting sex.

People back then also thought slavery and child labor were a great idea. Should we bring those back, too? A lot of stupid ideas have a historical precedent. It doesn’t mean they’re somehow immune from being criticized as barbaric and harmful. Treating young teenage girls like property and forcing them into arranged marriages with men almost three times their age is one of those ideas that we threw out with bleeding ill people to “balance the humours”.

There are no allegations of forcible rape in this case. There are many countries in the West such as Spain where such relationships are legal. It is only your statism that makes you call this an “assault”.

The scumbag lied about his age to have sex with a minor. That is by-the-book statutory rape. Are you an idiot in life or do you just play one on the Internet?

The irony of an anti-statist holding up state-enforced laws as evidence. It’s delicious. It’s actually my acute sense of basic ethics and common sense that call this an assault. What do you call it? Probably “a voluntary exchange on the free market” or some other weak jargon-drenched defense for being a mincing pervert.

Doug Hutchison, a TV and Movie actor from “The Green Mile” and “Lost” married a 16 year old. Rapper R. Kelly married the late R & B diva Aaliyah when she was 15. Drew Barrymore married at 16. Singer Ted Nugent became the legal guardian of his 17 year old fiance in 1978. Britney Spears’ sister Jamie Lynn Spears got pregnant at 16 to her 19 year old boyfriend.

R. Kelly also went to trial for video recording himself having sex with and then urinating on a 13-year-old girl. Citing the poor life choices of D list celebrities and wash-ups isn’t a strong argument for your case. It’s doubtful that most college professors would accept People magazine, TMZ, and your dubious taste as a reliable source.

You really don’t have much of a case to be labeling him as a violent sex offender. What other charges have you got? possession of a plant?

Keene is world famous because of the liberty movement. Your hate group will not succeed.

Muh weed! Keene is infamous because of the “liberty” movement and the glorified rodeo clowns it attracts. I’d say our “hate group” (lol) is succeeding at doing it’s job since it convinced some stoned pervert to tap out a half-cocked defense for sexually assaulting children. Sometimes you guys make it too easy to expose FK as the unflushed toilet that it truly is.

Joe IP
In Response to ‘FK Coat-Tail Rider Welcomes Sex Offender into the Cop Block Fold”

Your clearly very ignorant of how the system works.

This is gonna be good.

To start psychopaths find law enforcement very attractive which is problem #1, but it gets worse from there. Everything is set against the accused. The officers target the weak, the prosecutors do everything they can to gain a conviction for political reasons, and the judges are generally complacent.

Correction. Problem #1 is your belief that any one gives a rat’s ass about your loopy conspiracies about law enforcement. What did the monsters do to you? Take your bong? Tell you can’t drive your car with a broken tail light? Or was it one of those terrifying boogeymen known as Parking Enforcement?

What follows is about two paragraphs worth of statistics and assorted boring bullshit that proves Joe believes I give a rat’s ass. We then come to the following gems.

While I’ve got no doubt there are lots of psychopaths out there the law doesn’t give two bits about them or we wouldn’t be in a totalitarian police state as we are today- “papers please”?


A sex crime can include anything from pissing in a garbage can at 2AM, bestiality, and child porn to violent rape. A significant majority of those arrested aren’t violent though and have never hurt another individual. Everybody pleads guilty when the choice is between a few years in jail, or face the death penalty.

Three out of four of your examples involve violating or abusing another being which makes the offender violent by the nature of their actions. Is the best “victimless crime” sex offense you can come up with is urinating in a garbage can at two in the morning? I’m sure those caught doing such a thing don’t get the death penalty or even jail time. Or is that kind of application of common sense too inconvenient for your “police state” narrative?

I’d rather welcome the supposed “sex offenders” than not. Most are not violent as we’re led to believe. In most cases the worst thing thats happened is they’ve violated some arbitrary “moral” code. At least this persecuted minority might have an appreciation for how unjust the system is and get that it needs changing- and have a reason to fight it-because those on these lists are victimized more so than the victims of the supposed “crimes”.

Translation: I’m a giant victim-blaming asshole and rape apologist. Please disregard everything I say as the rantings of a moron who never grew out of his “edgy teenager” phase.

Dear FK fans: Please send more comments because I am lazy blogger and would rather have you illustrate how much of a pack of ignorant cretins you are. KTHNX BAI!

FK Coat-Tail Rider Welcomes Sex Offender Into The Cop Block Fold

Eric Sanborn of Upper Valley Cop Block has joined Matthew Philips and Chis Cantwell in the running for biggest liability in the NH liberty community. Sanborn – a convicted sex criminal with a string of assault charges – co-founded the Upper Valley chapter of Cop Block with everyone’s favorite imposter, Mathew Philips, after Sanborn was allegedly brutalized by police in the area. Philips denied the accusation claiming that the Eric Sanborn in question was a different person. Then he promptly shot himself in the foot by presenting a picture from the criminal Sanborn’s Facebook profile as evidence.


ericmatt4Eric is a registered sex offender with a long criminal record. In June 2010, he was convicted for Vehicular Assault, False Reporting of Accidents, and Conduct After Accident. In April 2012 he had a Control Drug Act conviction, and in July 2012 he was convicted on two counts of Sexual Assault. According to the news report from the time of his sexual assault arrest, he was twenty years old and lied that he was seventeen to molest a fifteen-year-old girl. December 07 of 2014, Sanborn was once again arrested for violating the conditions of his release from a previous charge.

Ian Bernard and other Free Keene members have yet to comment on this or Philips’ poor decision of inviting a sex criminal to the party. Do they not care or are they worried their own indiscretions may be brought to light?